This movie review represents the first of its kind. “You Were Never Really Here” review marks our first follower’s major writing contribution to the site. It is my honor to introduce him as:
Maximus (Lil B, Muskrat) Kalter
Height: 5′ 8″, Weight: A dense 180, Movie Savior
…stay tuned because he is top of the list for a full-time position of watching horrondous movies and saving you from them.
If you’re one of those movie-goers that enjoy cut scenes every 30 seconds, very little talking, and being left to search the internet on what the fuck did I just watch then watch this movie. An absolute mind bottling experience of nothing. This film doesn’t even belong in the Sundance music film festival. Joaquin Phoenix should be embarrassed over this movie…. Now that I got that off my chest I feel like this movie if you are into the metaphor bullshit type, would be interesting to watch. Joaquin Phoenix’s character, Joe, is this badass psychopath that is going through some serious shit. He goes into gunfights wielding a fucking hammer he bought from the Home Depot down the street and absolutely destroys these peasants of bad guys. Let us just say if you are reading this and somewhat athletic, you could probably take out three of these bad guys with one arm. The movie starts off in a motel room with joe cleaning up some murder scene shit he used and walks in an alley. This takes about 15 minutes. No fucking words have been spoken yet besides, “it is done”. He walks through an alleyway, cause why the fuck not, gets jumped from behind, and head-butts this guy. Great start. Anyways, I guess he does wet work for this guy called John, who we know nothing about. No background is given on who, what, and why his business is the way it is because we only see four fucking kills the whole movie. The movie flashes back to a young joe suffocating himself in his closet with a dry-cleaning plastic bag, again back to the metaphor bullshit because he’s still doing it when he’s 40 something years old. Everyone has daddy issues, sack up. This senator hires Joe to get his daughter back who is taken and put in a little girl sex club. Fucked up right? While I guess the dad was also involved in it and his running mate as well. I don’t know, the movie was all over the place I couldn’t even tell. So badass Joe goes to this sex club, kills the two peasants that were guarding it and takes the girl to a motel. Next thing you know he gets compromised, somehow, and miraculously escapes at gunpoint. Anyways, he goes full psycho panic, cause he doesn’t even know what the fuck is going on or what to do. He goes to John’s place, he’s murdered. Goes back home, his mom is murdered. Oh shit, talk about a fucking weird scene. The guys that killed his mom are still in the house when he gets back. He shoots them both and then as the last man is dying, lying on the kitchen floor, this mother fucker gets on the ground with the man that just killed his mom, starts mumbling and humming this song with him and has the courage to hold his hand in the guys final moments. Just fucked. So after all this bullshit he goes the other governor’s house finds everyone dead, and the little girl he originally rescued chilling eating some blood covered veggies. This bitch went full on Arya mode and smoked them all. Well, only three, so does that make her somewhat athletic? You tell me. The movie ends in a diner, with Joe and the little girl sitting across from each other in silence. The girl gets up for a second, Joe takes a gun to his head and pulls the trigger. Everyone else in the diner doesn’t even acknowledge the fact that this guy just blew his fucking brains to the moon, but whatever, all a fucking metaphor. The girl comes back to the table and wakes up Joe. The end. This whole movie consisted of nothing. Barely any action and more metaphors than the average brain can fathom. Sitting outside in a monsoon would be better for my mental state then watching this movie. One thing for sure is, you will never really see me watching this bullshit film again.